Tuesday, June 30, 2015


It has been one year sine we said goodbye to our baby girl.

Sometimes I can't believe we are already at this point and then other times I feel like this has been the longest year of my life.

I was just over 19 wks when my water broke with Meredith. I will be 19 wks tomorrow with our rainbow baby.

This past week I have had some nightmares of history repeating itself and have been more on edge.
The closer we got to today the more I have had to remind myself that this is a different pregnancy, this is a different outcome, and I am trusting God that there will be a different outcome.

Yet it isn't just the day she passed away, but her birthday too.

There are really no words to describe how any of this feels. I want to celebrate her and at the same time hide away.

Over the past couple of months I have started a new part time job and we have started attending a new church. This all equals to new people. Which means people that don't know our story, people that don't know what today means to us. I've only had one or two people ask if this this baby is our first (which honestly this question don't bother me). I'm happy to say that I've been able to say no and give them the shortest possible answer as to what that means (I tend to ramble (babble) so I always fear I'll go into way more detail than new people need to know).

So today is Meredith's birthday. The day we said hello and goodbye to our first child. The day she went to be in the arms of Jesus.

It is also the day that completely changed who I am. I know 100% I am not the same person. I see it in the way I respond to things, think about things, how quickly or slowly I do things. I still have bad days, although they are less frequent. But you know, I think I like who I'm becoming - who God has formed through the tears, the good days, the bad days, and all the other things in between.

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